The Anatomy of a Romance Scam: Understanding How They Work and How to Protect Yourself

The internet can be a wonderful place to make genuine connections — but it can also be a breeding ground for deception. 

Every year, millions of people fall victim to romance scams, a type of fraud where a criminal uses a fake online identity to gain a victim’s trust and then steal money or personal information. And we’re not talking chump change: in 2023 alone, romance scams resulted in over $1 billion in losses.

But how exactly do romance scams work? What sorts of tactics do romance scammers employ and how can we detect and thwart them? 

Let’s dive more into the anatomy of a romance scam.  

The Anatomy of a Romance Scam

Romance scams generally follow a predictable pattern: A scammer, pretending to be someone they’re not, initiates contact through social media or online dating platforms, often using an attractive profile picture. From there, they invest weeks or even months into building a connection.

This next stage, where scammers shower their victims with affection, attention, and flattery, is known as “grooming”. Promising love, commitment, and even marriage, scammers use tactics such as “love bombing” to overwhelm their victims with rapid and intense displays of affection, often within a very short time.

Once the victim is emotionally invested, the real motive begins to surface. An emergency, a crisis, or a sudden financial need that requires the victim’s assistance occurs, all fabricated to manipulate the victim into sending money. 

Often, scammers claim they are working abroad, in the military, or in a remote location, which conveniently prevents them from meeting in person. This helps justify why they cannot video call or meet face-to-face.

One common tactic used is the “accidental windfall” story. The scammer might tell their victim they are due to inherit a large sum of money or have received a business opportunity but need a small amount of help to unlock it. They promise the victim a share of the future profits, which never materializes.

In recent years, romance scams have become even more sophisticated with the use of generative AI and deepfakes. 

Scammers can create profiles with realistic AI-generated images or doctored videos that make their false identities nearly indistinguishable from real ones. For example, the AI-generated Brad Pitt who convinced a woman into handing over $857,000 needed money for ‘cancer treatment.’

Deepfake technology allows scammers to produce video clips where they appear to be talking in real time, adding another layer of deception. The goal is simple: bypass suspicion, make victims believe in their sincerity, and establish enough trust to orchestrate a successful con.

Moving to a New Place and the Risks of Romance Scams

When moving to a new country or even a new state, it’s natural to turn to dating apps to meet new people and find a community. Personally, I know how daunting it can be to build connections from scratch in an unfamiliar place. 

Dating apps can be great for finding friends, partners, or just someone to show you around the city. But they can also be a bit like a lottery — you could find someone amazing, or you could end up with a scammer trying to rob you blind.

The challenge is that when you’re new to a place, you might feel particularly isolated from everyone else — and scammers know this. They exploit this isolation, presenting themselves as the answer to your loneliness, only to take advantage of your vulnerability. It’s both sad and scary, and it’s a very real risk for anyone putting themselves out there in an unfamiliar environment.

The Devastating Consequences

The impact of romance scams is not just financial — victims often suffer profound emotional trauma as well. 

The betrayal leaves many feeling ashamed and humiliated, which can prevent them from seeking help or reporting the crime. Victims may also become isolated from friends and family, as scammers frequently encourage secrecy about the relationship. This emotional isolation makes it even harder for victims to see the warning signs.

The financial losses can be just as catastrophic, with some victims losing their life savings or going into debt to help someone they believe they love. Scammers are skilled at identifying vulnerable individuals — those who are recently divorced, widowed, or generally emotionally vulnerable — and exploiting that vulnerability.

Real-Life Stories of Romance Scams

Consider the story of Mary, a care worker from the UK, who matched with a man named “Mike” on Tinder. 

Mike claimed to be a 61-year-old U.S. Army Colonel. He spent weeks sending her sweet messages, talking about their future together, and even sent her a box of trinkets and a letter to build trust. Eventually, Mike convinced Mary to send nearly $24,000 to help him retrieve a non-existent briefcase of money. When she broke into the briefcase, she found only sheets of paper. After that, Mike disappeared, leaving Mary devastated both emotionally and financially. 

In another case, Donna Nelson, a grandmother from Perth, Australia, was arrested in Tokyo’s Narita Airport in January 2023, allegedly in possession of 2 kilograms of methamphetamine. Her family claims she is the victim of a romance scam orchestrated by a global crime syndicate. 

Nelson had traveled from Perth to Vientiane, Laos, before heading to Japan, where she was supposed to meet her online partner, “Kelly.” Kelly, who Donna had been in contact with for two years, controlled her travel itinerary and had an associate hand her a suitcase, which reportedly contained hidden drugs. Nelson’s family emphasizes her good character, citing her contributions as a community leader and arguing she was manipulated by the scammer. 

Five Warning Signs of a Romance Scam

To protect yourself from romance scams, be aware of the common red flags:

1. Refusal to meet or video call: Scammers often make excuses for why they can’t meet in person or refuse to video call. They might say they’re in the military, working on an oil rig, or stationed overseas.
2. Requests for money: Any request for financial assistance, no matter how compelling the story, is a major red flag. Scammers often create elaborate stories to explain why they need money urgently.
3. Love bombing: If someone professes love very quickly, showering you with affection and promises of a future together, be cautious. This is often a tactic to get you emotionally attached.
4. Inconsistent stories: Pay attention to details. Scammers often slip up with inconsistent or contradictory stories. If something doesn’t add up, trust your instincts.
5. Pressure to keep the relationship secret: Scammers may try to isolate you by convincing you to keep your relationship a secret from friends and family.

A Call to the Industry: We Need to Do Better

As romance scams evolve and grow more sophisticated with technologies like deepfakes, the need for robust identity verification and behavioral analysis becomes more crucial than ever. The industry must take proactive measures to ensure dating platforms are not just spaces to meet people, but also safe environments where genuine connections can flourish without fear of exploitation.

At Socure, we are pushing the boundaries of identity verification to address these very issues. It’s not just about ensuring someone has a real ID — it’s about understanding their behavior, detecting anomalies, and preventing scammers from coming back again and again with new identities. Our Image Alert List is one example of how we’re taking the fight to scammers, identifying repeat offenders and preventing them from exploiting vulnerable people.

We urge dating platforms and other social apps to collaborate with identity verification providers like Socure to help safeguard their users. Together, we can harness technology to make online spaces safer, more inclusive, and far less attractive to scammers.

If you or someone you know has been a victim of a romance scam, there are resources available to help. Contact your local consumer protection agency or report the incident to the Federal Trade Commission here. 

Together, we can work to make online spaces safer for genuine connections.